Love in the times of Amazon! Chapter 1

Happy Review Day! Jumpingsheep here for a review!

First of all, I enjoyed how you characterized VP and the narrator through their interactions and dialogue. I thought that their characters were incredibly realistic they played off each other's personalities well. I also liked the little details you took note of, like "her voice was slightly muffled by the pillow".

A few notes:

--I would see if you can find another nickname for VP. VP by itself is slightly confusing, as it looks more like an abbreviation for something than a nickname and this can trip up a reader. Maybe there's another way you can shorter her name?

--In the scene where Mr. Patel is knocked over, you write "The whole scene was so comical." I think you could do without this sentence as it is a bit redundant. Based on the details you already had, the scene is already comical, and it is unnecessary to state that. I didn't catch any other redundant sentences, but I would go through and see if you can find any more!

--Occasionally, when you revealed the narrator's thoughts, they got confused with the action. Maybe try to italicize these thoughts to distinguish from actions?

Overall, I think you are off to a good start, and I can't wait to see where this story is going next! If you have any questions, message me!

(Deleted comment because I accidentally submitted as a comment and not a review!)

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(“Chocolate or Walk to Remember?” I asked cheerfully holding up both in my hands. VP was sprawled across my bed, face down on my favourite Mickey Mouse shaped pillow. I heard something which resembled a groan.

"I'm not in the mood” Her voice was slightly muffled by the pillow.

“oh, Come on, it’s your favourite. Then how about the chocolate,” I coaxed making my way over to the other side of the bed.

“I’ll have it if you don’t want” I teased. “then don’t blame me if there’s no more left”.

It worked perfectly as bait. Within seconds she scooted across the bed and snatched the chocolate clutching it tightly.

“Why do you always do this, trapping me with the chocolate!” she wailed looking at me imploringly with her hazel brown eyes. I poked my tongue out at her and gave her a slight shove.

“huh, drama queen, you knew I was going to give you anyway! Now spill the beans. What’s wrong this time? Why are you torturing the poor guy?” I couldn't but help chuckling to myself.

I was so used to this I bet I could predict her every move. In fact why shouldn't I be able to? Ivey grown up with this ass for practically my whole life. VP aka Vishnupriya (Because she never liked the name, it always seemed too prehistoric for her liking) was my Darling Drama queen. She always had this inborn talent of being over the top dramatic and as wine ages beautifully over time she had gotten only better over the years so as to say. She had a petite frame that was barely able to contain her hyper-activeness and a heart shaped face with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes which equals to guys falling for her instantly. Sigh. I envied her in that.

We had been neighbours as long as we could remember and best friends since the time we could talk. In fact Lakshmi aunty often joked that we might even have been sisters separated at birth. Talk about being dramatic! Now you can guess where she got that from. So this meant we grew up at each other’s house, hanging out every single moment, getting into trouble, getting scolded, heartbreaks, romance etc. Basically I knew her inside out. So even now as she sat there unwrapping the chocolate I could only help but laugh at her childishness.

“Don’t you dare take his side! Do you even know what he’s done this time!”

I shook my head. “That’s what I was trying to ask you all this while. Remember?”

“Anyways” she continued dismissing it, “Everything was going fine till last night, until he suddenly had to bring in the “best friend” topic. “

I rolled my eyes “Like seriously, the guy is not even allowed to have a best friend now? What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that it’s a girl!” Dramatically letting it sink in for a second she continued, “And that’s not the worst part yet. She’s coming over here to meet him after such a long time. Diyaa my life is like practically ruined! Ugh! Why do these things only happen to me! ” She sighed exasperatingly.

“That’s not so bad. It’s not like she is coming over here with an ulterior motive to steal him. Besides” I pointed out “Ajin already said that she was only a friend. That sounds harmless enough to me”

Her eyes widened in disbelief,” Are you kidding me! She looks as if she’s straight out from a magazine. Here, let me show you”

She took out her phone and impatiently swiped at her screen lock. “look at this”. She thrust her phone at me, crossing her arms.

She was right I had to admit. The girl in the photo looked stunning against the backdrop of a beautiful beach sunset. One hand casually tousling her glossy black mane and perfectly set even teeth that shone as she beamed out of the picture at me. No kidding, she was way beyond our league. This got me thinking how Ajin knew her in the first place!

Ajin was VP’s boyfriend for the past one year. Now being the kind of flirt that she was she ever only managed to be with a guy for a few months before she would claim that the relationship was too “boring” for her and she wanted out. Ajin was the only guy who actually made it past the one year mark and that in itself was quite an achievement. And for a change she was really into him too! Still the excitement never wore off as there was constantly ups and downs and being her best friend it was one hell of a roller coaster ride for me too! Ajin on the other hand was a very nice, simple straight forward guy. I was quite surprised at the fact that he had such a glamorous best friend. Having her around meant sparks were sure to fly, I could blindly place a bet on it.

“so what’s her name?” I asked handing the phone back to her. “And how did you get her picture?”

“Natasha D’Souza. I searched her up on Facebook.” She admitted sheepishly.

“You’re stalking girls on Facebook now” I replied laughing. “You goofball!”

“Well, a girl has to be careful right! Don’t judge me” She laughed and threw the pillow at me. I caught it in mid-air. “Let’s not worry about Natasha for now. We’ll figure out something when she gets here okay?”

She nodded her head a little uncertainly. “Well ok, if you say so, for now.”

Her cell phone rang out abruptly with a shrill tune which definitely resembled one of the latest Bollywood songs. VP swiped the screen and held the receiver to her ears. “Ouch!” she cried out. I could already hear voices screaming out. “Madhu? Is that you?” She asked.

Madhu was another of our best friend’s. We were in fact a trio. Even though she had only shifted over here a few years back, we all connected instantly and had been best friends since.

VP was still struggling to put in a word. She glanced over at me helplessly and proceeded to put the phone on loudspeaker. I could hear shouts and laughter in the background and it was difficult to understand what Madhu was saying. There was sudden loud click at the other end of the line. “wait! Madhu? I looked over at VP with raised eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

“Guess we have to find out” VP said.” She mentioned something about her cousins coming over from Delhi. And by the sound of that, I think things are already pretty much out of hand.”

“Well then, let’s go over and meet her. I bet she really needs our help right now, and besides this is the perfect distraction. This will keep Natasha out of your mind for a few hours at least. What say?” I asked looking across to her with a wink. “let’s go?”

She grinned and picked up her pink handbag off my bed “Lead the way!”

Madhu aka Madhubala only lived a few houses down the street. Hers was a joint family teeming with aunts and uncles. So it was always loud and bustling with activity but also the most hospitable. Their doors were always welcome for anyone to drop in and were assured of a hearty snack before being allowed to leave. It’s the “Punjabi” way, she would always say.

It took us hardly a few minutes before we were standing outside her door. Before we could ring the bell the door jerked open. Madhu stood in the doorway holding a chubby dark haired girl who was clearly squirming to get down. She laughed and ushered us inside. “They won’t bite I promise”. Songs were playing loudly in the background.

A soccer ball flew past as VP barely ducked her head in time. She looked aghast. The entire living room was strewn with discarded toys. Bits of what seemed like pasta were splattered across the wall. A dustbin lay overturned in one corner with papers scattered everywhere. The speaker was blaring out a Bollywood tune. In between all this four small boys were galloping loudly around the room wearing oversized clothes.

“These are your cousins?” I pointed out in disbelief turning towards Madhu. She shirked and crossed over to the speaker turning down the volume.

“Over here boys.” She said firmly pointing a crooked finger to them. They ran up to her. “Now, I’d like you to meet Diya and VP, my best friends and this is Vikram, Martin, devesh and Raj, my cousins.” She said pointing to each of them. The boys shouted out a greeting then dashed off to play.

“And lastly this is Kiran” she said, patting the small dark-haired girl. She suddenly seemed to become shy and hid behind Madhu. Peeking out from behind with wide eyes filled with curiosity. "Come here” She picked up kiran and casually combed through her short black curls.

“They just flew in last night from Delhi so they are still settling in which explains the mess.” She grinned sheepishly.”

“So where is everyone else?” My eyes darting around, “I don’t see anyone around”

“They have all gone to buy clothes for the wedding and they didn’t want to-“

“Wait, did you just say wedding?” VP cut her off. “Who, when what how?” I absolutely demand to know” She pulled Madhu down beside her on the sofa with an animated look in her eyes.

I laughed. If I knew anything about VP it was definitely the fact that she was an absolute sucker for weddings and anything of the romantic sort. This was her kind of news.

“It’s my sister Rashmeet’s wedding. It all happened so fast really. They found a really great guy for her. They both liked each other. The families agreed to it. There was no point in waiting really. So they decided to go ahead with the wedding.” Madhu replied.

I moved a pile of clothes and sat on the sofa opposite them. “So this is your new job I see”

Madhu poked out her tongue. “Only for a few weeks”. We all laughed.

“So what were you both up to?” She looked at us enquiringly.

“Well VP here is facing another problem. She’s torturing poor Ajin again. She was absolutely glum till the time we came over.”

“Huh! It’s not me this time,” she protested angrily. Turning towards Madhu she continued,” It’s his best friend, Natasha. She’s coming here to meet him after so many years.”

“What’s the problem then?”

“ She is drop dead gorgeous. Ask her”, she said pointing towards me, “and he will be seeing her after so many years. I just don’t feel comfortable about all this.”

Madhu laughed. “He’s a good guy VP. Besides he’s been with you for over a year now. He’s not going to leave you and run behind a bimbo for no reason now. Don’t you trust him?”

“I said the same thing to her”

“I don’t believe you both; you don’t care about my feelings at all. You’re just supporting him.” She crossed her hands angrily.

Madhu smirked. “See this is why I don’t get into relationships at all. No stress, no baggage. I see a guy, I like him, we go out maybe, but then we never go beyond friendship. That’s my mantra.”

“You’re absolutely right! It’s much better that way” I stood up and crossed over to Madhu to give her a high-five.

“In fact VP,” I added with a wink, “I feel bad for you; you can’t even flirt with guys anymore. We might just beat your score.”

“You guys are so mean!” she squealed angrily throwing one of the side cushions towards us. We ducked in time but lack of hand eye coordination sent and pillow flying and most unfortunately I smacked Mr Patel, Madhu’s dad straight on his face as he turned the corner into the living room.

We turned abruptly at the noise as he struggled for a second, hair dishevelled, trying to balance the humongous shopping bags in his hand which promptly toppled over causing him to lose his balance. He fell down with a soft thud surrounded by a pile of freshly bought clothes, tags still attached.

VP turned a bright shade of pink. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see- I mean I wouldn’t...” She fumbled to find words to explain her insolence. He smiled wryly at her as he picked himself up.

Madhu turned to me with an amused expression. “She’s busted now!” she mouthed. I could barely suppress a giggle. The whole scene was so comical.

“That’s ok, conversations about boys your age, generally tend to go out of hand. Something about a flirting competition I think?” He chuckled.

We smiled back a little uncertainly. How embarrassing was it that he just happened to listen in on our conversation while I was so proudly boasting of my flirting abilities! Only I knew how non-existent my love life was at present. In fact I didn’t even want a guy. With board exams hardly around the corner and knowing my limited concentration capacity I would not even allow myself to occupy my mind with something else. I definitely did not want to fail!

“Papa, you know right, we were just kidding, It’s nothing like that” Madhu started off convincingly,” we have exams anyways so no use wasting our time on a guy. Isn’t it diya?”

I immediately picked up on the cue. “Ya, Mr Patel you can trust us. No boy business around here.” I tried to smile convincingly too but I guess I tried too hard. I ended up grinning like an idiot.

Madhu’s parents were quite strict in this matter. They were very firm believers in the philosophy that boys at this age meant nothing but trouble. Well in a way he was right of course. I mean look at VP. She was probably the best example we had.

He shook his head matter-of-factly. “I do hope so girls. Remember; keep your head into studies for now. Don’t let yourselves get distracted.”

“ugh!” I mentally kicked myself for acting like such an idiot. We had better be more careful around here considering more people had come to stay and as the saying goes “Even walls have ears”, I guess specifically applied to The Patel house.

Thankfully the doorbell rang out quite loudly at that instant and he was momentarily distracted.

“Don’t worry about it Mr Patel, I’ll get that for you,” I dared not look at him, my ears had already turned beet red. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible and save myself the embarrassment.

I hurriedly walked towards their front door breathing a sigh of relief. I thought I was finally safe.

And boy was I wrong!

I swung open the door only to find myself bowled over by the most delicious sight ever. The most handsome guy on planet earth was standing before my very eyes hardly a few feet away. I could hardly breathe. There was a mini butterfly Olympics going on in my stomach guessing by the somersaults happening down there. Every word of Mr Patel’s advice seemed to glide gently out of my ears as I stared at him drooling and love struck. My brain screamed no, no, no. My heart sung out yes, yes, yes! I could already feel the wind sweeping gently past my face, lifting those few loose strands off my face as he leaned in slowly towards me, our eyes closing-

“Mam, Is everything alright?” A voice suddenly broke into my imaginary bubble. I was jolted back to reality. He was staring at me quizzically. I shook myself. Again I had behaved like an idiot and now in front of an absolute stranger! Get a grip on yourself I reprimanded myself!

I was trying desperately to suppress the multitude of emotions swelling inside me as I fell head over heels for this stranger. Instead I cleared my throat and managed a decent smile trying desperately not to give it away.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry”)

Okay I have gone throw and fixt what I can for you. Now I think you can ad more description. But that was just a suggestion. So I hope I will see more of your work on the site and I hope you will right chapter 2 soon. I just loved this chapter. So I hope you will keep on righting great work. I hope you have a great day are night.